Talking with your child about an emotional subject such as planning for life after high school may not be easy for either of you. For your child, thinking about the future adds anxiety to an already stressful time in her life. Furthermore, your child likely lacks the tools to deal with stress and may shut down when confronted with challenging situations. What’s a parent to do?
The good news is that your child does value your opinion, even if she doesn’t show it. Trying to have a meaningful conversation with your child about her future may feel like climbing Mt. Everest: it is an uphill struggle, but not impossible. We’ve listed some strategies here that have worked for other parents. One or a combination of these tips may work for you and your child:
- Start early. You can start to gradually introduce the idea of college in elementary school by talking about your own experiences or those of people you both know. The start of middle school is a great time to ramp up the college conversation since this is the time when your child can begin to get herself on track academically for advanced work later on with ample time to explore interests and aptitudes.
- Take things slowly. Don’t expect to knock out everything about college in one conversation. Over a number of months, if not years, ask your child simple questions with the potential for insightful answers about what she’s looking for in a college, as well as what she wants to get out of the college experience. Little by little, you’ll be able to gather the pieces of the college puzzle and build a plan for the future.
- Set aside times to talk about future plans. Choose a time when you and your child can get this conversation started. Tackling challenging subjects during car trips may work well because no eye contact is required and your child may feel more comfortable conversing with you. The other benefit of talking in the car is that you have a captive audience. Another ideal time to chat with your child is at the dinner table. For some families, dinnertime is the magic hour when people unload their thoughts. Try seizing this opportunity to talk about what her future might look like after high school.
- Tackle the easier stuff first. Begin the conversation with topics that center around college life, such as campus size, special affiliations or attributes (e.g., religion, single-sex education), location, weather, and other variables. Visit or tour a college and listen carefully to what your child says she likes or doesn’t like about the campus. After visiting a college, you may find you can naturally segue into a more targeted college planning discussion.
- Keep it positive and demystify college. Try to keep the conversations positive: a negative story about how your friend’s son didn’t get admitted into his top choices or bemoaning the low acceptance rates of top schools doesn’t have any benefit for your child and may shut her down. Instead, get her comfortable with the idea of college. Talk about your own college experience and what you loved about it. Connect your child with young adults who are in college and are willing to share their experiences. Take her to visit a local university or community college to get a feel for what it’s like to be in a collegiate environment. Consider taking a tour with a guide so that she can ask questions. Getting her familiar with the environment and the process will ease her worries and encourage her to embrace her future.
- Reassure your child that it’s ok if she doesn’t know what she wants to study. One of the most common questions people ask is, “What do you want to study in college?” This seems like an innocent question except that it puts undue pressure on a child who doesn’t have a clue. In reality, a healthy percentage of students enter college as “undecided”, and 75% of students change their major at least once before graduation (Freedman, 2013). While having a focus helps with the college planning and admissions process, reassure her that there’s nothing wrong with taking time at college to explore before choosing a major.
- Remember that this is about your child, and not you. Restrain yourself from projecting your own hopes and dreams onto the process. A fit for you is not necessarily a fit for your child. But definitely offer your opinions because your child will want to hear them. Remind her that ultimately, the decision lands squarely in her court, since she will be the one attending that college every day for four years.
- Explain that college is a fresh start. New school. New friends. New life. It’s a clean slate with so many amazing possibilities. For the adventurous soul, this idea is enough to get the ball rolling.
- Find supportive resources. Find support in this endeavor through your network of parents who have gone through this process. They can provide useful tips on how they engaged their child in planning for the future.
- Delegate the talking to someone else. Sometimes it’s hard to talk to your own child about sensitive issues. To preserve your relationship, get other people involved such as school counselors, college admissions advisors, friends, and family who have knowledge about the process. Even directing your child to articles about college planning, such as the ones here on [Versed], may encourage her to start thinking about future plans because the message is not coming from her parent. Bottom line, if your child hears the message from other sources, it will help support your efforts too.
The road to college can challenge even the most confident students, so it’s important to remind your child that it’s not so much about where they go to college, but what they do once they get there. Reassure your child that there are many paths to the same destination, and there will be one that’s right for her.
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Sources:
https://americanhonors.org/blog/article/parents-how-make-your-teenager-take-college-seriously
https://www.heysigmund.com/how-do-i-prepare-my-teen-for-college/
https://www.cnn.com/2014/02/19/living/talking-to-teens-communication-parents/index.html
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/teen-stress.aspx
https://dus.psu.edu/mentor/2013/06/disconnect-choosing-major/
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Crafting a cohesive college application
Does your child need a private college admissions consultant?
How to choose colleges to apply to
When is a good time to start planning for college? Part 1
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