Rejections hurt. As the last of the colleges release their regular decision acceptances this week, there will be a lot of disappointments felt by students and parents alike. There will be many heartbreaks from dream school rejections, but also many surprises, disappointments, and even anger from rejections that come from schools that we thought were “high likelys.” Students that have worked incredibly hard for the last 4 years may feel that this is the end of the world. But it is important to note that this is a setback, one of many setbacks that are thrown their way in life, that they can overcome towards other achievements in life.
There are plenty of examples of inspiring people who have also been rejected from their dream colleges, but went on to achieve great success. Barak Obama was rejected from Swarthmore, went on to Occidental college, and transferred to Columbia. Science fiction legend Isaac Asimov was rejected from Columbia, and went on to study at the City University of New York, and the rest is history. Supreme court justice Antonin Scalia and comedian Tina Fey were both rejected from Princeton, and this did not stop them from achieving the highest levels of success in their fields.
Rejection is a part of life. As painful as it is to watch your child suffer, it is also a learning experience, and an opportunity to grow. In the meanwhile, here are 9 things that parents can do to help your teens move past the let down.
Let your teen feel the pain
Rather than jumping to solutions and rationalizations, experts recommend that both students and parents take time to let the news sink in, feel the disappointments, and acknowledge those feelings. Time will heal most things, and most teens will rebound from sadness relatively quickly. Let the feelings sink in, mourn for a short period of time, and be ready to move on.
They are not alone
Almost every student in their school will have experienced rejections. They are in good company. The acceptance rates have been declining for every selective college, and even for schools that were not historically selective. Unfortunately there are many reasons for this trend beyond your teen’s control - everything from demographics (the number of high school graduates have been increasing and will peak in 2025), the fact that higher % of HS students are applying to college than ever, more students are applying to more schools than ever, to test optional policies that encourage more students to apply to more selective schools. More applications mean more rejections.
This is not personal
Although it is easy to think that universities found something deficient in your specific application, the truth is that every college received too many qualified applicants than they have space for, and had to reject students that would do perfectly well there. Across the board, 2021-2022 applications were up about 13% from 2019-2020 year. UCLA received almost 150,000 applications. The University of Michigan received over 80,000 applications last year. Most Ivies receive over 50,000 applications. There is no way that these schools are actually carefully considering a student’s full application in any meaningful way. The schools cannot possibly know who the student is, what their talents are, and what they truly bring to the campus. This is not about you, the student. It is unfortunately the process.
This is NOT about the parents, parents can make it better or worse
Parents are aware that what we hoped and dreamed for our child, is not necessarily what the child wants, or even what is right for the child. Often the rejection hurts us, the parents, more than the child. How we express our disappointment to our children can make this process better or worse. It is important to not project our feelings and help our seniors process their feelings. More often than not, your child’s biggest concern is disappointing you. This is the time to step up and reassure your child that you want what is best for them, and taking risks, even when it involves rejections, is an important part of life, and something they will get more comfortable with over time.
Don’t second guess or dwell on What Ifs
There will be many what ifs running through you and your child’s mind. What if he didn’t sign up for that AP course that he bombed. What if she didn’t focus so much on sports. What if we had sent him to a private school. What if we picked a different teacher for recommendations. This will be amplified when you hear that someone with lower grades, or generic extracurricular profile, or no test scores, [feel free to insert], got accepted into a school that your daughter did not get into. It is impossible to know why one student got in over another. There are so many factors that go into the process that dwelling on this will only make recovering from the rejections that much harder. This is not a perfect process, and your child deserves better than to give such an imperfect process so much weight.
Take time away from social media and friends that makes this harder, and come back when ready
Social media can be difficult during these times. Everyone will be celebrating and posting their schools, and if your child is not yet ready to pick a school and move on, it may make sense to take a break from social media for some time until they are ready to re-engage. Also, it is not unusual for teens to want to avoid a subset of friends that may make this process harder. It is OK to take a break for a few days, and not have to socialize with certain people who may make this process even more painful than it is.
Celebrate the acceptances
Do celebrate the schools that have accepted your senior. There is nothing more exhilarating than schools that truly want you to attend their institution and are wooing you. Attend Admitted Student Days, meet lots of students that are excited about these schools, and know that there are schools that are thrilled to have them join their community.
Talk to other parents and older students that have been through it all
So many college students reflect back on their rejection from a particular school and realize in hindsight that the rejection was the best thing that could have happened to them, as where they ended up was the best outcome they could have hoped for. Almost all students move on, and come to love where they end up. There are countless stories like these.
Know that there are other options
There are other options out there, if you and your child feel that none of the schools they have gotten into is quite right, or the worst case scenario happens, and your child does not get accepted into any schools. Believe it or not, there are many colleges that accept students throughout the summer on a rolling basis. Students can attend community college, and transfer (this saves a lot of money!). Students can take a gap year and apply the following year.
If you would like to speak to one of our advisors about choosing between colleges, or want to explore other options, please schedule a time with us HERE.
Check out our upcoming webinar:
April 7, 2022 7:00PM EST: Online Webinar
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